me: 1 mosquitos: infinity

I don't have Allie's talent, but she's my inspiration for this one...

patience

The word patient comes into my vocabulary many times a day. In less than a month (hopefully) that word will leave my mouth nothing short of a hundred times in twelve hours. Already I think of patients that I've had and I imagine hypothetical patients and their problems. I worry about them. Hope for them. But what about the other kind of patience?

My kindergarten teacher's mantra was, "Patience is a virtue." I didn't know at the time what a virtue was, but I was told many times patience wasn't something I had. I didn't want it either. In some respects I still don't. I'm not a patient person. I always want things to happen and I want them to happen now. That's why I talk fast. I walk fast. I go places and always get there early so we can start things early. I like to get the show on the road and always keep moving. I like being busy. Spending my time doing and not waiting. Reaching goals. Crossing things off lists. This is why growing up is so weird for me. I've always wanted to be grown up. In sixth grade I was ready for college. For the majority of college I felt ready for the real world. I was in a hurry to not have a curfew or parental rules. To have my own place. But while I always want things to come, I never want life to pass. I pretty much always love where I am in the moment and don't want life to keep going by so quickly.

I have patience in funny areas. I am unflappable in traffic. I don't get annoyed or pound on the steering wheel or wonder why did this happen to me (ok, there are exceptions. but usually), however, bad/distracted/indecisive drivers boil my blood. I always want grades back immediately and want to know the right answer now, yet I can wait months for vacations. I'm the delayed gratification queen so I love to look forward to things. Yet, when it comes to tests, I want them to be over - I don't want to study one more day or sleep one more night on it. They get to the heart of my perfectionism and needing to know the effect to my cause. The whole reason I chose nursing is I like results. I like to see what I do and the effect that it has on the situation. I'd prefer it to be good, but good/bad/otherwise I need a result. I hate waiting around for something that might not come at all.

I'm not in a hurry to be 40, get married or have children yet I sometimes feel if I don't rush to attain those things they'll illude me. Its like the adage, "a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush". It's like well, if I get them now at least I'll know I have them before I die. Except I don't want them now, I just want to know I will have them later. So I like guarantees. I can have infinite patience if I know what is coming (like a vacation). I know at the end of traffic I will get home, so I can wait it out. But tests- I like them over with because I'm never 100% sure which way they're going to go.

A big test is coming for me. My patience has been tested in every way possible in the wait to take it. All of my ugly neuroses have come out in this perfect storm of stressful occurrences: moving, getting new roommates and saying goodbye to an old one, copious driving in the narrow district roads, sharing my room with an illusive mosquito clan, test scheduling being out of my control, being subject to application rules I wasn't privy to, and not getting to choose a date that I wanted to test... Not to mention feeling the need to be constantly studying, being on the dawn of a new career and longtime dreams coming true. In many ways my plans hinge on the outcome of this exam, but most of the important things in my life and goals I have don't. A good outcome just means my patience can move on to the next big thing, a bad one means it will be tested again, and for longer.

I don't like that this perfect storm has brought out nearly all of my less desirable characteristics that I do my best to keep hidden, and makes me expend even more stressful energy wishing these little demons weren't a part of me. We can't chose our demons, but we can do our best to acknowledge and quell them. For now I need just a few more hours of patience so I might one day have patients to further test my patience. Oh, the wishes we wish :)

abilities

I have an uncanny ability to tell in a millisecond that I've put a shirt on backwards. It feels like everything is spasming and all is wrong with the world.

Yes, I'm aware they design them specifically to be worn the correct way. But I'm saying, I think I'd know before you if I put my shirt on backwards.

...but I have been known to wear them inside out unknowingly.

mint pinch.

Today, thanks to a serendipitous coupon, I bought Hershey's new peppermint patty "pieces" (ie: reese's pieces, but for peppermint patties).

I put them in the freezer. It's like the tiniest little girl scout thin mint meets the wonderfulness of M&Ms... And it's total heaven. I recommend it for the girl scout cookie off season.

And yes Hershey, you can pay me to be your spokesperson.

hobbies

Someone asked me what I like to do for fun the other day. I had to stop and think about it. I know what I do (go to class, be in transit to/from class, do work, eat, sleep). I know what things I do when I'm being bad and not doing one of those things (be with people, drink, go places). But what about when I'm a nurse and I have four days off? Before I can work myself into the ground by excessively signing up for over-time, I'll be on my new nurse probationary period that they call a residency. And I'll have four days a week where I've left work at work.

So, just what will I do with those four days? Kind of an important thing, because aside from who you are to your friends and loved ones and what you do for a living, your hobbies kind of define you. I'd like to get into yoga. Keep my room neat. Run, obviously. Go to the smithsonian museums...even the ones no one knows about. Go for long walks. Read at a coffee shop all day. Maybe I'll write a book. Get into backlogged scrapbooking activities that were, ironically, scrapped due to lack of free time. Make that quilt of all my college tshirts.

So many people have to combine their hobbies with their jobs because they don't get enough time to do things outside of work... but for the six months before I go back to school or am allowed to have overtime I'll have free time. This concept, this illusive thing I've dreamed about. I've been waiting 20 years for free time, ever since I started school. And now that I can see it coming closer I don't even know what to do with it. I really just don't want to waste it.

secret

sometimes I go to bed without eating dinner because I love good food so much that I stay up late looking at recipes and then I'm more tired than hungry so I go to bed.

don't worry. lucky thing I make a habit out of happy hour so I've always had some cheese and crackers.

cheese and crackers fits in almost 3 columns of the food pyramid. you know, wheat, dairy, and then whatever is inside of those crackers that makes them taste so good. like garlic(=vegetable). thats the same number of columns as macaroni and cheese which is a totally acceptable dinner.

the voicemail paradox

I hate voicemails. really hate them. I love the idea of getting a text of what the person said so I can just read it. I don't want to pay for this visual voicemail service so I am stuck ignoring voicemails. When someone leaves me a message and I can see who it was who called, I'll just call them back. Sorry, didn't listen to your voicemail, kindly explain again.

The exception to this is when I don't have service or my phone is off... I suppose a voicemail is fine if a text really won't do. But, normally, I groan anyway at taking the time to call in and listen when I'm just going to call them back anyway.

Except today. I was in the gym (no service area), and saw I had a voicemail when I got out. I am in a time of many possibilites. Aside from unrealistic ones like the president is calling for my advice on something or it's the internet calling to say I won a contest I entered for a trip to Thailand for me and my three closest friends I actually have very exciting normal possibilities. It could be HR calling to officially offer me that job. Or it could be the management company of my (hopefully) future residence to tell me my application was approved. Or that it wasn't. Or that they need something for me right this minute.

Right now though, verizon's voicemail is down (at least for me and two others). The fact I don't even have a random number to try to call back is making me crazy. I'm slowly dying inside of absolute curiosity. Sure, it is after business hours. Sure, it's probably something I don't even want to hear. But it could be SO great.... And I'll have to wait patiently until verizon restores the service I never falter in paying for. Oh, the suspense.

moderation.

things I could eat straight from the container:

ricotta cheese

peanut butter

honey

dip of any kind

cream cheese

sweetened condensed milk (at least I don't drink it straight from the can, ahem, Paula Deen)

cottage cheese

pesto

sour cream

ranch dressing

red pepper jelly

frosting

guac... if you count that as something that comes in a container.

i do, however, prentend to be an adult and use restraint. most of the time (I did just polish off the ricotta cheese container...oops).

bottom line: life without dairy, sugar and oil is not a life worth living.

wavelength.

Sometimes I find a blog that expresses exactly how I'm feeling except they do it way better than me.

Found it today. Totally how I'm feeling... except the success part. I haven't even started my career but somehow things just going according to the plan seems to count as success for me. Aaand naturally, I think I'm going to die. And, so, I talk about how lucky I am. But I don't say that to sound like a braggart. I'm not telling you I'm lucky because I think you should know, I'm telling you so you know I'm grateful. Because, as of now, everyone who reads this blog is special to me... so me feeling lucky has everything to do with you.

♥

favorite things

old houses

black squirrels

sunglasses

an ice cold beer on a stiflingly hot afternoon

unexpected afternoons off

spiral staircases

the right song at the right time

leaves crunching under my feet

reading well made books

the sound of ice skates coming to a stop

the high 60's

the 1920s

puppies and their smell

turrets

sailboats

the smell of fall

bright, blue skies on crisp, cool days

the sound of skis on fresh snow

the perfect word choice

creaking of hard wood floors

the breathless feeling when you jump into a cold pool on a hot day

the first bite of something so good when you are so hungry