me: 1 mosquitos: infinity

I don't have Allie's talent, but she's my inspiration for this one...

patience

The word patient comes into my vocabulary many times a day. In less than a month (hopefully) that word will leave my mouth nothing short of a hundred times in twelve hours. Already I think of patients that I've had and I imagine hypothetical patients and their problems. I worry about them. Hope for them. But what about the other kind of patience?

My kindergarten teacher's mantra was, "Patience is a virtue." I didn't know at the time what a virtue was, but I was told many times patience wasn't something I had. I didn't want it either. In some respects I still don't. I'm not a patient person. I always want things to happen and I want them to happen now. That's why I talk fast. I walk fast. I go places and always get there early so we can start things early. I like to get the show on the road and always keep moving. I like being busy. Spending my time doing and not waiting. Reaching goals. Crossing things off lists. This is why growing up is so weird for me. I've always wanted to be grown up. In sixth grade I was ready for college. For the majority of college I felt ready for the real world. I was in a hurry to not have a curfew or parental rules. To have my own place. But while I always want things to come, I never want life to pass. I pretty much always love where I am in the moment and don't want life to keep going by so quickly.

I have patience in funny areas. I am unflappable in traffic. I don't get annoyed or pound on the steering wheel or wonder why did this happen to me (ok, there are exceptions. but usually), however, bad/distracted/indecisive drivers boil my blood. I always want grades back immediately and want to know the right answer now, yet I can wait months for vacations. I'm the delayed gratification queen so I love to look forward to things. Yet, when it comes to tests, I want them to be over - I don't want to study one more day or sleep one more night on it. They get to the heart of my perfectionism and needing to know the effect to my cause. The whole reason I chose nursing is I like results. I like to see what I do and the effect that it has on the situation. I'd prefer it to be good, but good/bad/otherwise I need a result. I hate waiting around for something that might not come at all.

I'm not in a hurry to be 40, get married or have children yet I sometimes feel if I don't rush to attain those things they'll illude me. Its like the adage, "a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush". It's like well, if I get them now at least I'll know I have them before I die. Except I don't want them now, I just want to know I will have them later. So I like guarantees. I can have infinite patience if I know what is coming (like a vacation). I know at the end of traffic I will get home, so I can wait it out. But tests- I like them over with because I'm never 100% sure which way they're going to go.

A big test is coming for me. My patience has been tested in every way possible in the wait to take it. All of my ugly neuroses have come out in this perfect storm of stressful occurrences: moving, getting new roommates and saying goodbye to an old one, copious driving in the narrow district roads, sharing my room with an illusive mosquito clan, test scheduling being out of my control, being subject to application rules I wasn't privy to, and not getting to choose a date that I wanted to test... Not to mention feeling the need to be constantly studying, being on the dawn of a new career and longtime dreams coming true. In many ways my plans hinge on the outcome of this exam, but most of the important things in my life and goals I have don't. A good outcome just means my patience can move on to the next big thing, a bad one means it will be tested again, and for longer.

I don't like that this perfect storm has brought out nearly all of my less desirable characteristics that I do my best to keep hidden, and makes me expend even more stressful energy wishing these little demons weren't a part of me. We can't chose our demons, but we can do our best to acknowledge and quell them. For now I need just a few more hours of patience so I might one day have patients to further test my patience. Oh, the wishes we wish :)

abilities

I have an uncanny ability to tell in a millisecond that I've put a shirt on backwards. It feels like everything is spasming and all is wrong with the world.

Yes, I'm aware they design them specifically to be worn the correct way. But I'm saying, I think I'd know before you if I put my shirt on backwards.

...but I have been known to wear them inside out unknowingly.