Rabbit hole.

Thinking put me into a rabbit hole today. I've been trying to be more self aware, and doing so has had both positive and negative consequences. When I know I'm facing an encounter where it will be easy to be rude I repeat in my head ("be nice") and remind myself of the unending torment for saying things a little less than sweetly...even when they deserved it. I recognize immediately my conversational flaws (interrupting seems to be the theme lately... I guess I got sick of twenty something years of waiting patiently for my turn and paying the price...) and have yet to speak up in apology (although, I am sorry to everyone I was sitting with today at lunch, for shamelessly interrupting you repeatedly and then my hesitancy to interject to say I am sorry).

I have been pondering things so much lately that I'm (at this moment at least) incredibly attuned to how I'm feeling about every little thing, and this brings trouble because I immediately know how I feel about something...and sometimes I feel like I'm drowning surrounded by all my emotions and I get distracted thinking about everything so clearly.

Sometimes, when I'm busy, I don't really know how to take things and decide on it later; a kind of delayed emotional processing... but not lately. I feel everything much more readily...and it's had an interesting effect. I feel closer to God. Rather than having isolated conversations with Him at the end of the day or when I need Him, it feels like we're conversing back and forth all day. I kind of like it, and wouldn't have expected it. It's a new thing, and I'm still learning the ropes of feeling so much more connected. It's what I've been searching for and I can't get enough. While I do at times feel overwhelmed with emotion, it is so much better than the way I felt last summer... like emotions didn't matter and feeling was unimportant. I was detached and miserable. I had a long way to go in my way to figure out myself, and still do, but in doing so I'm feeling so much more alive and connected.

Maybe I'm finally taking the next steps of this spiritual journey I first embarked on in 2005.